This topic has been showing up a lot over the last few weeks for me.

Most of us think of grief as losing a loved one or a loved pet. But the more that I thought about the concept of grief I have come to realise that it goes deeper than this.

I started to see that it can hit in so many other ways – for me it was about grieving a life I thought I would be living but am not.  My father passed away suddenly just over 2 years ago, and we have recently sold the family home and that process was a constant reminder that he was not here with us.  Although a decision made out of practicality and all the while I was renovating it, getting it ready for sale, this concept never entered my mind.  It was not until it was on the market that the reality really hit, that we were only selling this because dad is not here, if he was still alive it would not even be a consideration.

It was then that I got to thinking about other aspects of my life that I am currently grieving and that came to my career.  I thought that I would be further along in my goals of creating greater independence but along came Covid and lockdowns and changes in direction for me.  It is not that I am sad about the direction that my life is now taking.  I am grateful for the opportunities that have presented themselves to me over the last 3 years, and yes, I am still moving forward on creating more independence in my working life. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t grieve a life I thought I would be living today, which looks nothing like my current reality.

These examples have shown me how grief is multi-faceted and multi-layered.  It is interesting as to when it shows up and how it shows up.  It is never predictable; it has a life of its own.  When we are grieving a loved one’s passing it can often bring up a loss of what we had hoped for.  A relationship that was never quite what we had desired or expected or hoped for. Other ways that grief can show up is a loss of a dream an image of something different to our reality, this may show up as now not being able to have children, a house that is no longer yours due to separation, that you have come to call home. It is hard even when we haven’t had a great relationship with the person as this adds the layer of unfulfilled wishes and dreams and also adds a layer of guilt to the situation for wanting something that you didn’t have. If you have had traumatic experiences in the past, you may grieve a life that was never free of this burden, of a life without trauma or you may grieve what life could have been like, had it not been for the trauma.

Add to this that we try and put a timeline on grief and suggest that being sad is a bad emotion to have at times, it shows up to remind us that what we are living is not what we had envisioned for ourselves. It can also be said that it is a reminder of a love that is no longer there. We are allowed to be sad, mad, angry and any other emotion that you experience during times of grieving - none of it is wrong.  We need to give ourselves the gift of kindness and compassion during these times of grieving, and feel all the feelings and express all the emotions that we need to when grief shows up.

Grief as the shadow in the background. It can, and does, affect our decision making if we are not allowing ourselves to process what is coming up for us.  If we ignore it or pretend that we are not still grieving, no matter how long it has been since the situation or person you are grieving about occurred. Then we may get into relationships that are not healthy for us as we are trying to find someone to make us feel better, or replace the person that we have lost, or fulfill a role of a father or mother or partner that we never had. In addition, we may stay longer than is healthy if we are fearful of being alone. Again, not processing what you are grieving will often lead to remaining in unhealthy situations from a state of unworthiness of having a relationship that we desire. We may jump into a job that’s not right for us out of fear of not getting another one, and again stay longer than we should from fear of not being worthy of what we desire and getting our ideal job.  Other ways that may manifest is rushing into buying what we have lost, such as a house without taking the time to process the loss, we will often find that it is never quite right.

We may start to make others wrong or bad for how they are moving through the grieving process and create friction in these relationships. We may avoid processing our grief and hold onto emotions such as anger which may show up in the body in other ways such as liver issues or inflammation such as arthritis.  We may also make other choices that are not good for us – we may turn to food or other substances for solace. Let’s acknowledge that the answer is never in the food or the bottle of alcohol, or whatever your substance of choice is.  Let’s remember that our solution is to find healthy ways in which to acknowledge our emotions and feelings this could be through seeking counselling to process what you are going through, or journaling about how we feel. Here are a couple of supportive prompts, if you want to work through them.

• Where is grief showing up in my life today?

• What was I hoping for?

• Why do I wish things were different?

• How can I honor this process of releasing grief so I am free to move forward with greater self love and joy?

The biggest priority is being kind to yourself and allowing whatever is showing up, to show up. We need to avoid suppressing anything for fear of what others will think.  Practice giving yourself the care and support that you are seeking from others when they are not around – talk kindly to yourself, reassure yourself that you are there for you in that very moment – ask yourself what do I need right now? And give it to yourself as best as you are able.

When we acknowledge what is there it begins to lose a little of its power, and we can honour what shows up and move through our grief.  It no longer holds us to ransom as something to be feared or denied but an acknowledgement of the love we have lost and the vision that we held for a life that we are no longer able to live.  It allows us to move forward without the grief being held in the shadow in the background and bringing it into the forefront and realise that it is nothing to be ashamed of.  Crying is healthy, moving through emotions that show up is healthy. Honouring ourselves and our unfulfilled wishes and dreams helps us to determine what it is that we want out of the next phase of life.  We get to honestly assess what is working for us and what isn’t.  How we might change the relationships and situations that we have and create a vision born out of what we would love, rather than what we fear we are missing out on - and learning to recognise the difference. As long as grief is a shadow in the background, it will wield a power over us that stops us from moving forward in a way that is for our highest good.  Let’s bring it out of the shadow and shine a light on it and honour all that we can learn from its message.

When we acknowledge and honour our grief, we can relax and let it move through us without resistance and free it from any binds that it may hold over us. We can use it as a tool for empowering our life choices that are for our highest good and create a life we love with greater ease and grace.